Changes

I don't know why, but I can blog so much easier if I have a list; otherwise I feel like I am rambling. I can't sleep. I'm a late owl by nature, and if I don't go to sleep immediately when I feel the 'sleepy lag' come over me, then I get my second wind and can't sleep till 2+.  And I digress.... So back to my lists.... some changes are on the horizon, but they are not so much changes happening, but the promise of change (does that make sense).

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Change 1: Adam was sick for his birthday :(poor thing. It was possibly his worst birthday ever. No party and he didn't have an appetite to indulge in birthday delicacies such as pie and ribs. I had already arranged to take a half day in order to celebrate with him, however as he was sick I went to lunch with my mama and let him rest. It was at lunch where we discussed the pending sale of "our" home in the coming year. It is time, but it has made me sad. I want to soak up every moment in this old house. Selling this home will be like selling a member of our family.

No we do not have Christmas lights still up :)

Change 2: The pending sale of "our" home in the coming year means other things will need to change including Adam and I finding our own little piece of heaven on earth (aka. our own home). This both terrifies and excites me. However, change 2 cannot take place until after change 1 and change 3.

Change 3: Adam's employment. We have been thinking a lot about where we go from here. Growing up I always assumed and even dreamed I'd move away and longed to experience a new place! As I get older however, the change seems to come at a much higher cost. When we have a little family of our own I would hate to live so far from family/cousins and of course my dear friends. Adam will be graduating by March 2013 and the question is what to do next. There are so many more opportunities readily available outside of Utah with UPS. If possible, he'd like to stay and, dare I say it, retire from UPS. To stay in Utah however, promotions come few and far between and in order to stay he would either need a 2nd job and/or to change companies entirely.

Change 4: The in-law's. Adam's dad's health has improved some, but unfortunately his bone marrow transplant has not been a success and the cancer cells have returned. They are currently only at 8%, but slowly and steadily increasing. His aunt and uncle have been so kind to let my father and mother-in-law live with them these past 7 months and it would be a huge burden to place on them alone if we were to move out of state. Adam's little brother, who lived with us for 6 months is engaged and planning to move to AZ in July.  I know that it has been a source of comfort for his father to have us close and would feel bad to abandon him and his wife at this frightening time.
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So now we wait and weigh our options. Adam has applied for a few positions, my favorite of which is in Portland. He does not have his degree yet so it is more of an option next year, but still I do not like the unknown.

Will someone please find me a crystal ball? Stat!

Lessons Learned

The past few days the following quotes have been going through my mind:

"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt." - Abraham Lincoln

"If you can't say something nice, don't say nothin' at all." - Thumper from Bambi

"Therefore all things ^awhatsoever ye would that ^bmen should ^cdo to you, ^ddo ye even so to them..." - Jesus Christ (Matthew 7:12).

Noticing a theme?

Here are some of the lessons I learned this weekend:

Lesson 1: Relationships are fragile. "Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved." - President Thomas S. Monson

Lesson 2: Once something is said it cannot be unsaid. Much to my dismay.

Lesson 3: Honesty is not always the best policy.

Lesson 4: Just because I (you/we/they) may think or feel something, it does NOT therefore make it true.

Lesson 5: Do unto others as you'd have them do unto you... I've heard this all my life and when not followed the consequences, I can once again attest, are painful.

Lesson 6: Kindness. There is not enough "right" in the world to compensate for not treating others with kindness and love.

What powerful, painful, inspiring, and motivating lessons were learned this weekend.

I hate confrontation. What I hate most is even if I feel/think I am in the right, being 'right' does not feel as good as being kind does. The unkindness that took place, took all the joy out of being 'right'. I can feel/think/BE right all I want but others should not be hurt as a result.

I've repented. I've gone to the source and taken responsibility for my actions and apologized. I felt better initially; but I am on my 3rd night of not being able to sleep. Though I did not directly cause the event which prompted all of these lessons, I added logs and fuel to the fire. A fire which was used to 'torch' someone publicly and cruelly. Someone I didn't think I thought highly of, and intern think much less of myself.

Adam thinks I'm crazy. Maybe it's a guy thing? They don't internalize/analyze/dwell on their actions as much as girls? Sigh. Maybe it's more than guys? Maybe I'm a freak people pleaser that can't stomach the idea of hurting others?

As Mr. Knightly would say: "Badly done Cher, badly done."

Dwarfs and dragons, and fairies. Oh my!

In elementary school, when I'd enter the library, the librarian would smile largely and say "Here comes my fairytale girl!" I must have checked out every Grimm, Hans Christian Anderson, and Cinderella variation available, twice. As far back as I can remember these stories have enchanted me. And let's be honest, what isn't enchanting about fairies, princesses, the forest, castles, houses made of candy, a cottage in the woods, an evil witch, mermaids, dwarfs, dragons, glass slippers, magic beans, and dancing shoes?!  I loved the smell of the aged pages, the detailed pictures... and the words which would fill my head with the most fantastic images!

I miss it. I miss that intoxicated feeling I'd get as I read about swan shaped boats, secret passageways, beautiful gowns, and of course the  promised  Happily Ever After. Perhaps I will stop by Barnes & Noble after work and purchase The Twelve Dancing Princesses. I'm giddy at the thought :).

Take 5

I've begun so many posts this summer and just haven't found the will to finish them. So here I sit. Typing again. Hoping I can document some of the things that have been happening this summer. I find I work well with parameters so I've chosen the number 5. If I can simply talk about 5 things that have been happening then I will have served my purpose and hopefully my NyQuil will have kicked in by the time I'm done.

Event 1: 5 YEARS! That's right folks Adam and I celebrated 5 years of nuptial bliss in June. We celebrated by escaping house guests and spent a relaxing night at The Chateau at Silver Fork Lodge in Deer Valley, Utah. Oh my goodness this was by far one of the most lovely places I've ever been. Deer Valley is so picturesque! We spent our anniversary evening dinning on five amazing courses on the patio of the restaurant... though you must forgive me... it's been a few months and I am spacing on the name of it.... oopsies.

Event 2: 4 months ago, Adam and I received one of those late night calls that causes your heart to plummet through the floor. His 52 year old father, Tracy, who is a fit racket-baller, had been sick for months and had recently had some coughing attacks that caused him to pass out and be short of breath, my new mother-in-law, Ana, after weeks of coaxing finally convinced him to go the the ER. While in the waiting room, Adam's aunt's ex-husband, Mark, who is a surgeon happened to walk past and saw Tracy. Just by looking at him Mark knew what he had. He ordered some blood work and sent Tracy with the nurse, keeping my worried mother-in-law behind. Without seeing lab results Mark put his hand on Ana's shoulder and said, "He has leukemia."

After his first chemo.

The blood work confirmed his suspicions. I never realized how rare leukemia is nor how dangerous and rapid the cells divide. When Tracy got his white blood cell count that night he had over 355,000 white blood cells. A normal adult has between 10,000-30,000.  With no healthy white cells and not enough red blood cells to carry oxygen through his body, the doctors told us he would surely have died within a few days and needed to start treatment immediately. Due to it's rarity the nearest leukemia treatment facilities were in Salt Lake. Within hours everything changed. I spent the day preparing our second bedroom so Ana would have a place to stay.

My sister in law organized a Blood Drive for Tracy and
had everyone wear red to show our support.
Adam and I went shooting with friends that day.

This journey has been long and overwhelming. I am ashamed to say that I have not handled all the changes and strains as well as I had hoped, but continue to do my best with the thanks of some close friends and their listening ears. As of last week Tracy's blood work is cancer free and he is considered to be in remission. As of today his bone marrow transplant which was scheduled for Oct. 28th has been postponed. Due to the aggressive chemo treatments Tracy has had several kidney stones. This has led to 50 lbs of water retention and some lowered kidney function. We thought these weeks that he had overcome these hurdles. However, today we learned that one of Tracy's kidney's has died and they will be removing it on Oct. 27th. I continue to be amazed by my father-in-law; his drive and positive outlook is truly something!

My BFF Marci took time out of her busy schedule to cut Tracy's hair.

Event 3: My brother-in-law Daniel returned home from his mission to Moscow, Russia the beginning of August. Due to all the major changes that took place while he was on his mission he has decided to stay in Utah to be close to Tracy. As such, he is living with Adam and I.

Daniel, Tracy, and Aaron (Tracy's brother and bone marrow transplant donor!)
Tracy got a 2 hour pass from the hospital so that he could come pick Daniel up and attend his release.

Event 4: I turned 28 last month and it was rather sobering. I'm getting old and that sweet little internal clock is just tick-tick-ticking away. Getting old is harder than I imagined it would be. After all, during our youth weren't we always excited to get older? Getting older meant removing the training wheels off our bikes, going to the 'big kid school', being baptized, getting your ears pierced, not wearing a life jacket at all times in the boat, Jr. High, High School, driving, dating, and the like. Getting older was FUN! It meant new opportunities and freedom! Time is so fleeting and now all I wish to do is hold onto it awhile longer. At what age do we start dreading adding a digit?

Event 5: Though the aging part isn't always fun, the partying is! This year 3 of my dearest friends surprised me with a night out to Rascal Flatts. We got drenched but it was certainly a night I shall never forget :). In addition to a fun night out with the ladies, Adam surprised me with a trip to Disneyland! That shall be a different post however :).

Maybe getting older isn't so bad after all ;-)

Time

Once in awhile I get overwhelming impressions and most of the time am so in awe of them, I'm never quite sure how to transform those impressions into something audible or legible. Saturday was one such day. I stayed out late the night before dancing and getting drenched with three of my darling friends at the Rascal Flatts concert (best birthday surprise ever).

Morning came much soon and I was off and running the moment my alarm went off. When I returned home I was supposed to wake Adam for our Saturday errands. I walked in the room and propped myself up on one of the pillows; preparing for 10 minute shoulder shaking game as I try to wake him up (I'm not kidding when I say I could literally shoot a gun and he wouldn't stir). As I went to wake him I looked at his face. He was facing the window and the sun had perfectly saturated our bedroom with warm light. He looked so peaceful and I just sat there watching the shadows of ivy leaves dance accross his face. In this moment I became so overwhelmed with how short our time is on this earth. Maybe it's the pre-birthday blues, but I felt such urgency that time was literally being stripped from my body and yet I felt immovable desiring to stay in that moment, watching him rest from all his daily cares. Time is so fleeting. I want to capture it and be still.

Simple Things

A few months ago I was at my parents house looking through my old journals (sheesh what a sappy drama filled girl I was). I have a feeling that some of those pages will magically go "missing" soon. Anyway it got me to thinking about years gone by. When I was in high school and early college my dearest friends would gather together every Sunday evening for scripture study. It was simple and wonderful. I always felt enriched and I think the quiet hour spent together outside of regular socializing and seminary really helped to bind us together. Years later, many of these people continue to be my closest friends. My dear friend Shannon (that's right Shan, you made quite the impression Haha! I can't remember anyone else's verses. You're special!) would frequently say "I love the simpleness of the gospel." Occasionally rather than reading a specific chapter or two, we would take turns either bearing our testimonies or sharing a favorite scripture. Shannon would often quote Alma 41:10 "...wickedness never was happiness". (I promise this will tie in...)

It is no secret that I have complained about my church calling. I have been the primary chorister for 4 1/2 years. That's a looooong time fair readers. Much of the time I feel like I'm singing a solo and look like a fool as I do the actions to "Book of Mormon Stories" all by my lonesome. One of the songs for the primary program is "Praise to the Man." NOTE: It is no small task to teach this song to children. It has so many words that even adults don't know the meaning of or at least words we never use (i.e. communed, anointed, dispensation, atone, extol, ascended, revere, etc...). On Sunday however, when voicing my conducting frustrations, my visiting teacher told me that her 2 year old daughter, Cassie, sings this song all the time at home. Cassie has never once sang along to any songs in nursery; I think I might have once seen her do the actions to 'The Wheels on the Bus" once. Knowing that even the littlest children are in fact learning, gives me hope that come program time I will not be leading a choir of mutes.

This past week as I was speaking with my bishop brother-in-law he said, "You know Cher, the chorister is the gospel doctrine teacher for primary. Everything we need to learn is in the primary songs." This simple conversation has really helped me see my calling in a new way. One of the songs I've taught this year is "I Will Follow God's Plan" which outlines the gospel from beginning to end. "My life is a gift; my life has a plan. My life has a purpose; in heav'n it began. My choice was to come to this lovely home on earth and seek for God's light to direct me from birth. I will follow God's plan for me, holding fast to his light and his love. I will work, and I will pray; I will always walk in his way. Then I will be happy on earth and in my home above."

It's all there. A simple recipe of who we are, where we came from, how to be happy, and how we can return to our father in heaven. As members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints we are blessed to have a personal "blue print" or 'Patriarchal Blessing" which gives further guidance, warnings, and blessings for our individual journey in life. I read mine the other night and it once again filled my heart with peace, hope, and joy. Wonderful blessings are in store if I work to keep the commandments. If you have received your patriarchal blessing, I urge you to read it this weekend. It had been almost a year since I last read mine and it gave me a glimpse of the woman I want to be and can be with the lord's help.

I have started several posts over the past few months, but I either haven't gotten around to 'finishing' them, or by the end of my rants I realize that some things are better left unblogged. Haha. Out of all the things that have been happening over the past seven months I'm not sure why this is the topic I've decided to blog about... but eh? Here goes...