Little V

Our little V is 6 months old and I can scarcely believe it! In many ways it seems like she has been here forever, but 6 months is also such a short time. We love her. I honestly have 2,000 pictures on my phone alone and I believe at least 1900 of them are of her!

So a little bit about V. How about an acrostic?!

V is her nickname. 
Is always laughing or smiling!
Enjoys sucking on her hands, playing with crinkly items, and being nakey!
Never cries except for when she is hungry and/or tired.
Needs a little help to sit up and loves to roll around.
Adorable dimples and chubby little cheeks that I have to kiss at least 100 times a day!

This past Thursday was her 6 month appointment. At her forth month appointment in September she weighed she weighed 11 lbs. and was 23.5 inches long. She is now 14.7 lbs and 24.5 inches! Her little thighs are simply scrumptious and I just love her little squishy body! So far she has been a great little sidekick. I take her everywhere and she just chills or plays with her toys as I cart her around or when we play at home.

I went to my (old) office on Halloween to visit and show off my chubby little bumble V (hehe). Admittedly it was a little hard to feel like an outsider looking in, and for a moment I longed for the time when my days were full of morning radio shows, Diet Coke runs, listening to tunes all day, going to meetings, working on projects, all while swapping entertaining stories with my peeps SJ and MJP. However, despite a little "worksickness," being home with little V has been nice. My very domestic sisters have coerced me into assisting with all sorts of Home Ec. projects which include, but are not limited to: making homemade bread & cinnamon rolls, canning peaches, canning apples, bottling grape juice, making raspberry and strawberry jam... and sCRAPbooking. 

Who knows? Perhaps they'll make a Martha Stewart out of me yet!?
 

Beginnings & Endings

When we arrived at the hospital at 7:00 am on May 7th, the nurse asked what my goals were for the delivery. She listed them on the whiteboard as I named them. By 10:24 pm we had our little Vienna and only one of my five goals came to fruition, but it was the only one that mattered: V was here and she was perfect! Our 4 days in the hospital passed quickly and it was truly a bit of heaven being with my two loves and having visits from friends and family. When we got home from the hospital on Friday I was sure that I was in heaven and for the first time since I became pregnant felt the peace of which I'd been pleading.

Vienna - 4 Days Old

 

We were just three days home from the hospital when Adam's dad, Tracy, was released to come and stay with us. The following weeks he bounced back and forth from our home to the hospital due to fevers caused by infections in his body. His liver was being damaged by the chemo so the doctors stopped the chemo in an attempt to diminish/control/abolish the infections throughout his body. However the damage was done. No more treatments were available and his body was too weak. Cancer cells had taken over and during our visit on July 4th we were told it was time to place Dad in hospice care.

In order for Tracy to come home, he needed to be on a ground level room to accommodate the hospice bed. That night Adam and I began to box up the nursery. It was surreal seeing all of the valley lit with fireworks. It seemed as though everyone in the world was celebrating while our world was falling apart. We packed up all of V's things and moved the changing table and some clothes into our room. I admit that night I was sad and scared. I was sad that a room I had created for this new little life was going to be a room where my father-in-law would die. I had a lot of emotions and fears that night and in the coming weeks. Being a new mommy and having a bit of postpartum depression I was a mess which compounded quickly when I had 9-21 people living in my home from July 2nd - July 27th. I know that the Lord blessed me. I knew I needed to be strong for Adam and was miraculously able to hold it together.

The night before Dad passed I sat in his room with Ana, his wife, and her daughter Ali. Dad looked so frail. His breath was so shallow and labored. At one point in the night we heard some gurgling and I held a flashlight as Ana used little sponges to soak up some blood in his mouth. It was awful. He was in pain. He had not been coherent for days and it was heartbreaking to watch him fade away. He passed about 8 hours later. I don't know how to express the loss. We miss him and his absence from our home and from this world is tangible.

The days that followed were some of the worst and most miraculous that Adam and I have ever experienced. When Tracy was diagnosed two years ago they lost everything. He had to give up his job, their home, a truck, and liquidated their savings to help pay for the treatments he would receive. Needless to say two years later they had nothing and Adam and his siblings were faced with the overwhelming task of coming up with $11,000  to pay for the funeral expenses. It seemed impossible. It was impossible. By the time we exhausted every resource we had only come up with half and were desperate for a miracle. We had done everything, followed every lead, liquidated what we could, and pleaded with the Lord to help us find a way to cover the other half.

I cannot tell you how humbled I am due to the outpouring of love and kindness we received. Our friends and family were tools in the Lord's hand and came to our rescue. Adam and I were overcome with emotion. How did we get so lucky? How were we so fortunate to have such generous, loving, thoughtful, charitable, Christ like people in our life? How can we ever repay such kindness?

I pray that no one has to go through the struggle we have gone through, but I also pray that if you do, Adam and I will be in a place to help others as we have been helped these past weeks.

We love and thank you.

Four Generations: Great Grandpa, Grandpa, Adam with his crazy pre-Spartan mohawk, & Baby V

Friends, typically my wife is the one that posts on our wonderful blog. Tonight I am overwhelmed with various emotions as I struggle to understand the master plan God has for me and my family and I feel the need to make this post. My father, Tracy, just turned 55 and is losing his battle against Leukemia. As I go day by day hoping to catch my dad in a good moment so that we can talk and spend time together I am thankful for a wonderful wife that supports me. I cannot imagine going through this without her. I am also thankful to Ana, my father's wonderful wife. She has done so much for our family and continues to do so through her never-ending care and endless love for my father. THANK YOU to both of you for EVERYTHING!

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Baby Watch 2013

Well my due date has come and gone! Today was my last doctor's appointment and if I am still prego on Monday I get to go to the hospital for a stress test and ultrasound to see how little V is doing. Depending on the results we will either be induced Tuesday or if things are still looking good, he'll let her cook until Friday. We shall see!

This past week we've been getting as much prepared as can be. I've done some organizing, we've rearranged furniture and taken trips to the D.I. I still have some finishing touches in the nursery, but all in all (aside from the day to day cleaning/upkeep) we are 'ready' to go.

I don't really know what to do with myself in the meantime. I find myself wishing that I just would have kept working for one more week. Being home alone the next few days is going to be strange. What do people do? I must not be very imaginative because I am not inspired to do a single thing except maybe take another nap. LOL.

I suppose I will try and enjoy this time. After all, I suppose I won't get much alone time in the future. It's really so strange to think that for sure by May 10th I will have a child. Mind=Blown!

I really appreciate all of those who have patiently and kindly listened to my fears and struggle these past months. The end is near!

Loves! And wish me luck!

The Future is Here

Throughout our life we are constantly preparing for events/milestones/changes. For 8 years we prepare for our baptism. We can't wait for our 16th birthday to get that driver's license. For 18 years you anticipate walking across that stage in your camp and gown and getting your diploma, and as girls aren't we always wondering about that special someone we will meet to whom we will finally say "I DO!"?

We are conditioned culturally for these milestones. Those that have gone before us as well as every outside influence (movies/magazines/books etc...) prepare us for these changes. We see examples everywhere and from everyone of how these changes are met, which gives us peace and confidence that we, like them, can do it too. And this is all done naturally. With hardly a thought! We prepare and when the time comes we just do it! No muss. No fuss. 

I have never been met with a life experience that has terrified me more than that of being a mother. As a Mormon, becoming a mother and creating an eternal family is in our DNA! We are taught our divine role of motherhood our entire life! Just like learning to drive, graduating from high school, and getting married, motherhood was a concept as natural as breathing.

I know I have been conditioned/prepared as much as anyone, and yet I'm terrified. The hardest part has been how unprepared I was for these thoughts and feelings. They have gotten better, or maybe I've just learned how to feel or think around them rather than engaging in the thoughts/feelings head on. But as I've been promised by my doctor, no one stays pregnant forever. Haha! Today was my original due date. After my first ultrasound it was changed to April 30th. I have no idea when our little woman is making her debut but one thing is certain: No one stays pregnant forever. For sure within the next 14 days I will have a little person in my life and nothing will ever be the same. My time for preparing is over.

Wow. We really are here aren't we?! After 272 days thinking of this experience in the far off future, the future is here. It's now. The time for preparing is over and I will be joining the ranks of motherhood with all of you that have gone before me. I hope I am ready. I hope that those deep parts of what make a woman/a mother/a nurturer will take over and that this transition will be joyful, peaceful, and natural.

My first major change begins Friday. After six years working with these funny and amazing people I will be awaiting the start of my next job. One that I can't half-ass my way through! Haha. Well I guess I can if I want my children to be screwed up...

And I digress...

Prayers welcome. Perhaps one day I look back at these ramblings and think 'Wow, girlfriend needed to take a chill pill!' Let's cross our fingers and hope!

 

Well looky er---don't looky there!

Could pregnancy get any more awkard? Seriously! Your bod does crazy and involuntary things!

I've been 'leaking' for weeks and after getting dressed today I suppose I forgot to put a little pad in...Well I have now lactated a plum sized ring through my shirt. At work of all places. Awesome.

Don't mind me sir. It's just my leaking breastssss.

Kill. Me. Now.

Feelin' It

Last week I was feeling pretty good. Minus the occasionally prego swollen feet and ankles, I was feeling swell. Not much nausea to think of, sleep wasn't as elusive as it has been, no real aches and pains to note. It seemed like I was going to really enjoy these last weeks... then Friday came. I was supposed to take the Young Women to do baptisms so I left work early. On my way home I started feeling some serious pain in my lower back.

By the time I arrived home I felt immobilized. I couldn't function -- all I could think about was pain and how to make it stop. My sciatic nerve was pinched and I couldn't walk. Standing, sitting, laying, praying, kneeling, leaning, bending, stretching, offered absolutely no relief. Luckily, and unluckily, all of our temple recommend holding young ladies were unable to go. It took about 2 hours for the pain to subside and by the end of it I was exhausted and subsequently took an equally long nap.

"Wow! Really? Is this how the last 6 1/2 weeks is going to be?!" I thought, but then reassured myself, "nah, this must be a fluke." Oh how I wish this were true!!! Since Friday I feel like my body is being put through one of those medieval torture mechanisms. There is so much pain in my abdomen it is uncomfortable to sit, walk, stand, and lay. Seriously!?! Last week I wasn't so sure I was ready for the labor/delivery portion of this adventure and was content to postpone said events for as long as I could. Now I am seeing why by the end women are pleading, "Get this outta me!"
 
To those with chronic back pain and major issues your sciatic nerve, you deserve a gold medal, diamonds, and a trip to Disneyland! Seriously! That shiz is painful!

 

Anticipation

The countdown begins... I'm 9 (actually most likely 11) weeks away from meeting this little person that will undoubtedly change my life in ways that I could never imagine. I am not even sure where to begin to prepare! Haha! I keep thinking, "OhI have plenty of time..." but oh dear! That is not the case!!!

I realize that when I'm overwhelmed by something, I regrettably avoid thinking about it! Haha. At my last doctor's appointment he asked if I had any questions about labor and delivery. I couldn't think of a single one. Having never been through it before I'm sure there is a ton I don't know, and yet I can't think of a single thing to ask! Maybe at my next meeting I'll request for him to just tell me everything that way we cover all the bases?!!!

In regards to my last post, things are getting better. I am beginning to feel some anticipation. It's still weird for me to think about there actually being a little person on their way to our home. I still can't wrap my head around the thought that I will be a mother. When I try to reference this little person as "my daughter/child/baby," I can almost tangibly feel my mind pushing the awkward words to the corners of my mind. But I do have faith that this will not always be the case :).

I don't know for sure what is in store, but I do know one thing. I love and care for the people in my life fiercely. When it comes to this little lady, I will be no different! I will put her first, and do my very best to emulate the amazing example of my parents.

What did you and your spouse do to prepare emotionally/mentally for your little ones?

How is this for honesty?

In 3 1/2 months from now I will be a, gasp, "stay-at-home", secondary gasp, "Mother!"  I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around it. I've awkwardly tiptoed around the thought for 26 weeks.

Each time I am with people that have children I can slowly feel my anxiety rising. Am I up to this task? Can I really do this? I'm terrified. As the youngest of 6, with 5 siblings that are each parents, 4 sisters that are stay-at-home mothers, and countless friends that raising children--I look in amazement. How after 29 years am I not more calm/prepared/excited/happy about this? After all, I am Mrs. Planning USA. I didn't flippantly decide to have a child, and yet I feel like a deer caught in headlights. I have a hard time looking at baby things. I avoid spending my free time perusing the baby ads or aisles of the department store and am dreading 'registering'. Why?! That should be the fun part shouldn't it?!

Maybe I need a therapist? Is this typical behavior of a perfectionist/kindofacontrolfreak/ihaveneverhadapetortakencareofaplant/ibabysatformoneynotparticularlyenjoyment/imnotreallyababyorkid kind of person?

I guess my question to you, all two of you who frequent my less than stellar ramblings, is how can I get over my fear and start looking at my future with excitement, and if not excitement, positive anticipation?

It's been very hard for me to vocalize my feelings. With people (mostly in-laws and Facebook friends) that recant every detail of their pregnant or child-rearing lives, I'm not sure how I fit into the conversation. I'm not excited. I'm petrified. This reaction was so unexpected, I feel really ashamed by it so I've been kind of secluding myself/staying out of the conversation.

Anyway. Wow. How's that for honesty in a public forum?

Everyone tells me it's normal to be anxious. That "everyone is scared" and "no one is ever prepared for parenthood/motherhood." I understand that, but I know what I'm feeling is not the typical baby jitters.

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On a side note, my father-in-law was sealed this past weekend in the Oquirrh Mountain Temple to his wife Ana. It was quite a sight with everyone in attendance wearing surgical masks! He has literally no white blood cells which means he has no immune system so we arranged for some of the temple attendants to stand at the entryway to the sealing room with hand sanitizer and surgical masks to give to all in attendance. It was really a nice experience. I've never been inside the Oquirrh Mountain Temple before and it is breathtakingly gorgeous and it is always a special experience to feel so close to heaven and be reminded of those amazing blessings and promises of eternal families.

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Wow. So much transparent honesty for a cold January morning. I need a Diet Coke on the rocks stat please. Oh! And maybe some chocolate.