Who wants flowers when you're dead? Nobody.

"What I was really hanging around for, I was trying to feel some kind of a good-by. I mean I've left schools and places I didn't even know I was leaving them. I hate that. I don't care if it's a sad good-by or a bad good-by, but when I leave a place I like to know I'm leaving it. If you don't, you feel even worse."

"I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all… I'm standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff - I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I do all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye."


"Boy, when you're dead, they really fix you up. I hope to hell when I do die somebody has sense enough to just dump me in the river or something. Anything except sticking me in a goddam cemetery. People coming and putting a bunch of flowers on your stomach on Sunday, and all that crap. Who wants flowers when you're dead? Nobody."

This last quote made me laugh out loud! If you can handle the swearing, The Catcher in the Rye is a classic. I wonder what they'll do with Salinger now?
 
--Catcher in the Rye
J.D. Salinger, Novelist 1919-2010.

If my Austrian friends could see me now...

..they'd be shocked to discover that my German is actually worse than it was in Vienna. Is that even possible? you might be asking yourselves, oh yes my dear friends, it sure is! Ha ha ha.

I got a call from April asking me to join a German Choral group. All the songs are in German and 99% of the participants are over 60 and are from Germany.

I went.
I sang.
...I. Sounded. Special.

As soon as I got to a point that I felt comfortable with the strange shapes and sounds my mouth was making we would switch songs! I'm not sure if I can handle the embarrassment on a weekly basis, but it was quite fun to go and experience something new and away from work and my home.

I would sing you a jig right now, but I fear I haven't retained much of my whirlwind German lesson. double sigh! Setting 'German' aside, it was quite pleasant. The only thing worse than a new language though is learning people's names that have severe accents! yikes! The two names I remember are: Baerbel (similar to Barbara in english... so I'm told...) and Udi. 

Baerbel has sparked my interest in German poetry, and Udi, well let's just say she was patient with me as I fumbled over the words! They made me take the music home 'to practice', but I think April just wants to make sure I give this a second shot!

Perhaps I will go practice my Deutsch...Auf wiedersehen!

the mysterious workings of the mid 20's female mind...

I feel old. I turn 27 this year. That feels REALLY old. I'm closer to 30 than to 20 and for some reason 27 is going to solidify that even more than 26 did. Sigh. A new couple spoke in the ward. Married 4 years. 2 babies. My two sister-in-laws, both much younger than I, both married barely 1 year, and both are expecting baby number 2 this July. This year I will have been married 4 years. I look at all these people having families, buying homes, buying cars, going on vacations, starting graduate degrees, finishing graduate degrees, buying second homes, and I feel stagnant. I swear sometimes if I read one more facebook status with the words "i love my awesomely fun and fulling life/job/husband/child/etc. i might just die. The thing of it that scares me the most, is that i don't feel 'that'.  I mean I enjoy my job. I love my husband. I like our little house even though it's not ours for keeps. Those things are true. But this whole 'mommy bug'.  I dunno. When I watch some of the kids at church, or when one of my neices/nephews grabs hold of my hand to guide me somewhere I feel a twinge of what I'm missing... but most of the time I feel hollow. I'm not sure that is normal. Aside from the fiscal impossibility of baby land at present, have I let fear overcome the desire for a family? Am I that self-centered that I can't imagine my world being centered around a child? Is my lack of faith the problem? Or is this normal behavior for a fellow 'baby-in-the-family"?

I feel defective.

But, it's a new year. A new decade even. I have resolved myself to find the 'me' at the end of this emptiness that is currently clouding my mind. How does one find 'me' when there is no money for my journey? I dunno. I'm gonna figure it out.

I love you all. I really do. I love reading blogs, looking at pictures, and hearing the stories... reminding myself that 90% of life is attitude and that maybe I just have the wrong one at present.  I'm an optimist. Things will change and until things change, I will change.

I blame the weather for this post. Too much cold. Too much inversion. Too much gray.