I feel old. I turn 27 this year. That feels REALLY old. I'm closer to 30 than to 20 and for some reason 27 is going to solidify that even more than 26 did. Sigh. A new couple spoke in the ward. Married 4 years. 2 babies. My two sister-in-laws, both much younger than I, both married barely 1 year, and both are expecting baby number 2 this July. This year I will have been married 4 years. I look at all these people having families, buying homes, buying cars, going on vacations, starting graduate degrees, finishing graduate degrees, buying second homes, and I feel stagnant. I swear sometimes if I read one more facebook status with the words "i love my awesomely fun and fulling life/job/husband/child/etc. i might just die. The thing of it that scares me the most, is that i don't feel 'that'. I mean I enjoy my job. I love my husband. I like our little house even though it's not ours for keeps. Those things are true. But this whole 'mommy bug'. I dunno. When I watch some of the kids at church, or when one of my neices/nephews grabs hold of my hand to guide me somewhere I feel a twinge of what I'm missing... but most of the time I feel hollow. I'm not sure that is normal. Aside from the fiscal impossibility of baby land at present, have I let fear overcome the desire for a family? Am I that self-centered that I can't imagine my world being centered around a child? Is my lack of faith the problem? Or is this normal behavior for a fellow 'baby-in-the-family"?
I feel defective.
But, it's a new year. A new decade even. I have resolved myself to find the 'me' at the end of this emptiness that is currently clouding my mind. How does one find 'me' when there is no money for my journey? I dunno. I'm gonna figure it out.
I love you all. I really do. I love reading blogs, looking at pictures, and hearing the stories... reminding myself that 90% of life is attitude and that maybe I just have the wrong one at present. I'm an optimist. Things will change and until things change, I will change.
I blame the weather for this post. Too much cold. Too much inversion. Too much gray.
9 comments:
Just remember that 27 isn't old at all. You have plenty of time to have kids. You might want it more later. I have to remind myself that I'm young on a daily basis because some days I feel like I'm 35.
I feel the same way about my life not going anywhere. I've been married for 6 years no kids, back in school, nowhere near a house.
Facebook status updates suck!!! I've had to drop a few friends because I couldn't handle the constant reminder that they were pregnant.
Hey girl! You are not the only person who is sick of the brags/blogs out there. Just remember this, those whose act like they have the perfect life, marriage, children, money, etc usually have the worst ones! They just have to constantly brag about it to make up for it! Which is so flippin lame! I just wish more women would pull together and help each other out in society rather than compete and make each other feel less of a person! And we wonder why women are still so far behind men in society??? Seriously. And also remember that the majority of people are living largely in DEBT, they just have to make up for everything by living a lie. I dont even have facebook because as rude as it sounds I could care less. I like REAL people that give REAL talk.
Don't worry you're not the only person who feels this way, just one who can openly admit and write about it!
I definitely agree with the fact that we women need to pull together and help each other, cause lets admit it...life isnt peaches and cream all of the time! Although, I do not see anything wrong with putting happy status' and blogs. Sometimes you need to put the happy stuff up, to remind you of the blessings you have! Im sure there are some that are just bragging, but I like to put the happy stuff so I can remember the happy times! Not the sad :(
That being said, I think its time for some Shan/Cher time, dont you agree?! I know you always lift my spirits!!
Thank you all for your comments. The feelings of anxiety go away when I think of my dear friends and family. I love you all. Thank you for your support always and for reminding me that I am not alone, that there is much to look forward to, and that we always need to count our blessings. It always makes one feel better to focus on the good than the bad. I am blessed and hopefully the dear Lordy (is that blasphemous?) will bless me with patience!
Cher! I love you! I have experienced similar feelings in life. I don't ask 'why' in an angry way, but sometimes I am SO curious why some people are dealt certain struggles in life. Why would my sister by 30 and single, living with my mom and without work for months on end? Why did I find nursing so darned difficult? Those weeks were honestly HELL. I constantly remind myself that more important than anything else is having all the people I love healthy. I'm so glad that atleast we're all here and our bodies are okay. Anything else I can handle. There should definitely be more blogging/facebook with REAL info. Like the difficulties that everyone faces Every. Single. Day. Then again, I completely agree with Shannon, we need to celebrate the beauty in life! Men are that they might have JOY! Even if some people "brag" or exaggerate, at least they are making an effort to find that beauty in life ESPECIALLY because there is so much heartache and doubt and that feeling of being lost. I love you Cher! We all have our days. Anyone who says differently is lying and isn't very good at it :). I'll be stoppin by to say HI to you tomorrow! I'm so excited!!
So true gals! I would much rather hear people's happy stories than always hear someone complaining/moaning/lamenting.I guess I've just been feeling lonely lately and like I'm falling behind... but surprise surprise the Lord has a different plan for us all! Apparently 'the plan' i signed up for means I'll be poor forever and my biologial clock will tick by A LOT slower than everyone elses! haha! One day I will want kids; til then, please let Adam hold yours! ha ha ha ha ha!
Wow, Cher, it's amazing how well you captured the funk I often feel. I feel like a little perspective would help me feel better, but perspective is so hard to have. My mom reminds me that life is longer than it feels when you're panicking about running out of time, and that there's a season for EVERYTHING, so just enjoy the one you're in now. ...I guess it's a learning process.
But in the mean time, just know that it's 5 in the evening where I am and I'm still unshowered, in my pajamas, just BARELY brushed my teeth for the first time today, and I'm not finished with my homework. So here's at least one person you can feel better than. :) hehe
Also, babies? Yeah, I don't get it. And being around other people's kids just makes me want to wait even longer. I take it on faith that one day I'll catch "the bug." And if not, well, then we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Kel you rock! Panic describes what I feel so perfectly! It's not at all that I don't like hearing about people's happy lives. What keeps me up nights is the feeling of being for lack of a better expression, left behind. When I heard that my very young, very newly wedded,and very newly parented sister-in-laws will have 2 babies BEFORE their 2nd wedding anniversaries I panicked. BUT I know I'm not ready... I don't know if I'll ever be... like you said, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it! Love you! I am feeling more 'normal' now!
Well Cher, there's only one answer I can think of. You're gay. Haha!
I NEVER had the baby bug. I probably NEVER will. I NEVER had the marriage bug, either. I guess there will come a time when I feel like it's appropriate to have another baby, but I doubt that I will have that intense desire that lots of women have. I used to worry that I didn't have as much capacity to love as other people did, and that's why I wasn't dying to get married or pregnant. But I love being a wife and a mom. So you'll have kids someday, when the time is right for you. And you'll love it. Til then, let's make the most of you being kidless and partay-if I can get a babysitter ;)
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