Throughout our life we are constantly preparing for
events/milestones/changes. For 8 years we prepare for our baptism. We
can't wait for our 16th birthday to get that driver's license. For 18
years you anticipate walking across that stage in your camp and gown
and getting your diploma, and as girls aren't we always wondering
about that special someone we will meet to whom we will finally
say "I DO!"?
We are conditioned culturally for these milestones. Those that have gone
before us as well as every outside influence (movies/magazines/books
etc...) prepare us for these changes. We see examples everywhere and from
everyone of how these changes are met, which gives us peace and confidence
that we, like them, can do it too. And this is all done naturally.
With hardly a thought! We prepare and when the time comes we just do it! No
muss. No fuss.
I have never been met with a life experience that has terrified me more
than that of being a mother. As a Mormon, becoming a mother and
creating an eternal family is in our DNA! We are taught our divine
role of motherhood our entire life! Just like learning to drive,
graduating from high school, and getting married, motherhood was a concept
as natural as breathing.
I know I have been conditioned/prepared as much as anyone, and yet I'm
terrified. The hardest part has been how unprepared I was for these thoughts
and feelings. They have gotten better, or maybe I've just learned how to
feel or think around them rather than engaging in the
thoughts/feelings head on. But as I've been promised by my
doctor, no one stays pregnant forever. Haha! Today was my original due date.
After my first ultrasound it was changed to April 30th. I have no idea when our
little woman is making her debut but one thing is certain: No one stays
pregnant forever. For sure within the next 14 days I will have a little person
in my life and nothing will ever be the same. My time for preparing is over.
Wow. We really are here aren't we?! After 272 days thinking of this
experience in the far off future, the future is here. It's now. The time
for preparing is over and I will be joining the ranks of motherhood
with all of you that have gone before me. I hope I am ready. I hope
that those deep parts of what make a woman/a mother/a nurturer
will take over and that this transition will be joyful, peaceful, and
natural.
My first major change begins Friday. After six years working with these
funny and amazing people I will be awaiting the start of my next job. One that
I can't half-ass my way through! Haha. Well I guess I can if I want my children
to be screwed up...
And I digress...
Prayers welcome. Perhaps one day I look back at these ramblings and think
'Wow, girlfriend needed to take a chill pill!' Let's cross our fingers and hope!