The Future is Here

Throughout our life we are constantly preparing for events/milestones/changes. For 8 years we prepare for our baptism. We can't wait for our 16th birthday to get that driver's license. For 18 years you anticipate walking across that stage in your camp and gown and getting your diploma, and as girls aren't we always wondering about that special someone we will meet to whom we will finally say "I DO!"?

We are conditioned culturally for these milestones. Those that have gone before us as well as every outside influence (movies/magazines/books etc...) prepare us for these changes. We see examples everywhere and from everyone of how these changes are met, which gives us peace and confidence that we, like them, can do it too. And this is all done naturally. With hardly a thought! We prepare and when the time comes we just do it! No muss. No fuss. 

I have never been met with a life experience that has terrified me more than that of being a mother. As a Mormon, becoming a mother and creating an eternal family is in our DNA! We are taught our divine role of motherhood our entire life! Just like learning to drive, graduating from high school, and getting married, motherhood was a concept as natural as breathing.

I know I have been conditioned/prepared as much as anyone, and yet I'm terrified. The hardest part has been how unprepared I was for these thoughts and feelings. They have gotten better, or maybe I've just learned how to feel or think around them rather than engaging in the thoughts/feelings head on. But as I've been promised by my doctor, no one stays pregnant forever. Haha! Today was my original due date. After my first ultrasound it was changed to April 30th. I have no idea when our little woman is making her debut but one thing is certain: No one stays pregnant forever. For sure within the next 14 days I will have a little person in my life and nothing will ever be the same. My time for preparing is over.

Wow. We really are here aren't we?! After 272 days thinking of this experience in the far off future, the future is here. It's now. The time for preparing is over and I will be joining the ranks of motherhood with all of you that have gone before me. I hope I am ready. I hope that those deep parts of what make a woman/a mother/a nurturer will take over and that this transition will be joyful, peaceful, and natural.

My first major change begins Friday. After six years working with these funny and amazing people I will be awaiting the start of my next job. One that I can't half-ass my way through! Haha. Well I guess I can if I want my children to be screwed up...

And I digress...

Prayers welcome. Perhaps one day I look back at these ramblings and think 'Wow, girlfriend needed to take a chill pill!' Let's cross our fingers and hope!

 

Well looky er---don't looky there!

Could pregnancy get any more awkard? Seriously! Your bod does crazy and involuntary things!

I've been 'leaking' for weeks and after getting dressed today I suppose I forgot to put a little pad in...Well I have now lactated a plum sized ring through my shirt. At work of all places. Awesome.

Don't mind me sir. It's just my leaking breastssss.

Kill. Me. Now.

Feelin' It

Last week I was feeling pretty good. Minus the occasionally prego swollen feet and ankles, I was feeling swell. Not much nausea to think of, sleep wasn't as elusive as it has been, no real aches and pains to note. It seemed like I was going to really enjoy these last weeks... then Friday came. I was supposed to take the Young Women to do baptisms so I left work early. On my way home I started feeling some serious pain in my lower back.

By the time I arrived home I felt immobilized. I couldn't function -- all I could think about was pain and how to make it stop. My sciatic nerve was pinched and I couldn't walk. Standing, sitting, laying, praying, kneeling, leaning, bending, stretching, offered absolutely no relief. Luckily, and unluckily, all of our temple recommend holding young ladies were unable to go. It took about 2 hours for the pain to subside and by the end of it I was exhausted and subsequently took an equally long nap.

"Wow! Really? Is this how the last 6 1/2 weeks is going to be?!" I thought, but then reassured myself, "nah, this must be a fluke." Oh how I wish this were true!!! Since Friday I feel like my body is being put through one of those medieval torture mechanisms. There is so much pain in my abdomen it is uncomfortable to sit, walk, stand, and lay. Seriously!?! Last week I wasn't so sure I was ready for the labor/delivery portion of this adventure and was content to postpone said events for as long as I could. Now I am seeing why by the end women are pleading, "Get this outta me!"
 
To those with chronic back pain and major issues your sciatic nerve, you deserve a gold medal, diamonds, and a trip to Disneyland! Seriously! That shiz is painful!

 

Anticipation

The countdown begins... I'm 9 (actually most likely 11) weeks away from meeting this little person that will undoubtedly change my life in ways that I could never imagine. I am not even sure where to begin to prepare! Haha! I keep thinking, "OhI have plenty of time..." but oh dear! That is not the case!!!

I realize that when I'm overwhelmed by something, I regrettably avoid thinking about it! Haha. At my last doctor's appointment he asked if I had any questions about labor and delivery. I couldn't think of a single one. Having never been through it before I'm sure there is a ton I don't know, and yet I can't think of a single thing to ask! Maybe at my next meeting I'll request for him to just tell me everything that way we cover all the bases?!!!

In regards to my last post, things are getting better. I am beginning to feel some anticipation. It's still weird for me to think about there actually being a little person on their way to our home. I still can't wrap my head around the thought that I will be a mother. When I try to reference this little person as "my daughter/child/baby," I can almost tangibly feel my mind pushing the awkward words to the corners of my mind. But I do have faith that this will not always be the case :).

I don't know for sure what is in store, but I do know one thing. I love and care for the people in my life fiercely. When it comes to this little lady, I will be no different! I will put her first, and do my very best to emulate the amazing example of my parents.

What did you and your spouse do to prepare emotionally/mentally for your little ones?

How is this for honesty?

In 3 1/2 months from now I will be a, gasp, "stay-at-home", secondary gasp, "Mother!"  I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around it. I've awkwardly tiptoed around the thought for 26 weeks.

Each time I am with people that have children I can slowly feel my anxiety rising. Am I up to this task? Can I really do this? I'm terrified. As the youngest of 6, with 5 siblings that are each parents, 4 sisters that are stay-at-home mothers, and countless friends that raising children--I look in amazement. How after 29 years am I not more calm/prepared/excited/happy about this? After all, I am Mrs. Planning USA. I didn't flippantly decide to have a child, and yet I feel like a deer caught in headlights. I have a hard time looking at baby things. I avoid spending my free time perusing the baby ads or aisles of the department store and am dreading 'registering'. Why?! That should be the fun part shouldn't it?!

Maybe I need a therapist? Is this typical behavior of a perfectionist/kindofacontrolfreak/ihaveneverhadapetortakencareofaplant/ibabysatformoneynotparticularlyenjoyment/imnotreallyababyorkid kind of person?

I guess my question to you, all two of you who frequent my less than stellar ramblings, is how can I get over my fear and start looking at my future with excitement, and if not excitement, positive anticipation?

It's been very hard for me to vocalize my feelings. With people (mostly in-laws and Facebook friends) that recant every detail of their pregnant or child-rearing lives, I'm not sure how I fit into the conversation. I'm not excited. I'm petrified. This reaction was so unexpected, I feel really ashamed by it so I've been kind of secluding myself/staying out of the conversation.

Anyway. Wow. How's that for honesty in a public forum?

Everyone tells me it's normal to be anxious. That "everyone is scared" and "no one is ever prepared for parenthood/motherhood." I understand that, but I know what I'm feeling is not the typical baby jitters.

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On a side note, my father-in-law was sealed this past weekend in the Oquirrh Mountain Temple to his wife Ana. It was quite a sight with everyone in attendance wearing surgical masks! He has literally no white blood cells which means he has no immune system so we arranged for some of the temple attendants to stand at the entryway to the sealing room with hand sanitizer and surgical masks to give to all in attendance. It was really a nice experience. I've never been inside the Oquirrh Mountain Temple before and it is breathtakingly gorgeous and it is always a special experience to feel so close to heaven and be reminded of those amazing blessings and promises of eternal families.

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Wow. So much transparent honesty for a cold January morning. I need a Diet Coke on the rocks stat please. Oh! And maybe some chocolate.

Wheels

Two posts in one day? What is going on?

Well I'll tell you. I'm BORED. Work has been slow with a capital S-L-O-W.

I love my car :). She's a dream. Here's a picture:
















We needed to ditch the truck since Adam wasn't going to be driving it the 140 miles to and from work each day and I have NO desire to drive a single cab long bed truck on the streets of downtown Salt Lake, or anywhere for that matter.

So our first impulse was to sell the truck and get an economical car for him to drive. Smart? Yes!

Then we remembered we live in a place that snows for 4-5 months of the year and where Adam will be travelling will get much more snow than the valley...

Enter predicament.

After many days of back and forth, ups and downs, pros and cons we decided we would sacrifice amazing gas mileage for something with 4WD or AWD.

On Monday we sold the truck and purchased this lovely and large Sequoia :

Yours truly, in all my 60 inches of glory, will be driving this bebeh around! What?!!! Haha. I am a liiiitttle nervous about parking. Those that drive huge vehicles ensure me it comes with time :).

Adam will drive it on snowy days so hopefully he will make it to and fro in safety.

Is this the most boring blog post ever? Definitely.
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Also, will the three or five of you that ever frequent this blog please cross your fingers|eyes|legs|fingers|toes|heart that once Adam finishes training at his new job he will get the day shift (6 am - 6 pm). Thank you in advance!!!!!!!! Kisses.

Stay tuned for more boring posts to come.