In 3 1/2 months from now I will be a, gasp, "stay-at-home", secondary gasp, "Mother!" I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around it. I've awkwardly tiptoed around the thought for 26 weeks.
Each time I am with people that have children I can slowly feel my anxiety rising. Am I up to this task? Can I really do this? I'm terrified. As the youngest of 6, with 5 siblings that are each parents, 4 sisters that are stay-at-home mothers, and countless friends that raising children--I look in amazement. How after 29 years am I not more calm/prepared/excited/happy about this? After all, I am Mrs. Planning USA. I didn't flippantly decide to have a child, and yet I feel like a deer caught in headlights. I have a hard time looking at baby things. I avoid spending my free time perusing the baby ads or aisles of the department store and am dreading 'registering'. Why?! That should be the fun part shouldn't it?!
Maybe I need a therapist? Is this typical behavior of a perfectionist/kindofacontrolfreak/ihaveneverhadapetortakencareofaplant/ibabysatformoneynotparticularlyenjoyment/imnotreallyababyorkid kind of person?
I guess my question to you, all two of you who frequent my less than stellar ramblings, is how can I get over my fear and start looking at my future with excitement, and if not excitement, positive anticipation?
It's been very hard for me to vocalize my feelings. With people (mostly in-laws and Facebook friends) that recant every detail of their pregnant or child-rearing lives, I'm not sure how I fit into the conversation. I'm not excited. I'm petrified. This reaction was so unexpected, I feel really ashamed by it so I've been kind of secluding myself/staying out of the conversation.
Anyway. Wow. How's that for honesty in a public forum?
Everyone tells me it's normal to be anxious. That "everyone is scared" and "no one is ever prepared for parenthood/motherhood." I understand that, but I know what I'm feeling is not the typical baby jitters.
~~
On a side note, my father-in-law was sealed this past weekend in the Oquirrh Mountain Temple to his wife Ana. It was quite a sight with everyone in attendance wearing surgical masks! He has literally no white blood cells which means he has no immune system so we arranged for some of the temple attendants to stand at the entryway to the sealing room with hand sanitizer and surgical masks to give to all in attendance. It was really a nice experience. I've never been inside the Oquirrh Mountain Temple before and it is breathtakingly gorgeous and it is always a special experience to feel so close to heaven and be reminded of those amazing blessings and promises of eternal families.
~~~~
Wow. So much transparent honesty for a cold January morning. I need a Diet Coke on the rocks stat please. Oh! And maybe some chocolate.
6 comments:
Yes, I'm commenting on my own post. Struggling with the desire to delete my blog post... Why? I'm sure I'm not the only one that has felt this way? And even if I am, maybe telling people honestly how I feel will lead to the healing I'm seeking?
You are not crazy! This is number three for me and I am feeling about the same way. I think you will be an amazing momma. Everyone is different and react differently, even after she gets here I am sure some of the anxieties will subside. If you still aren't sure about your feelings, definitely seek some help. Love you an so happy for you.
You up for more honesty?
Cool. I felt almost identically during my first pregnancy- and for about five months after her birth. Her pregnancy came much sooner than expected (although not unplanned) and I was not ready to say goodbye to my job, that I loved; to our marriage status, married without children/we leave the house whenever we want without having to find a babysitter and pack for 12 minutes beforehand; to irresponsibility; the list could really go on. I hesitated purchasing anything, although when I did it was with a fake smile. I really tried hard to amp up my enthusiasm, but just couldn't.
Then I had her, and it changed somewhat, but not the way I expected it to. I still struggled with my new life. Being scared and feeling unprepared and unhappy didn't go away for me for a long time. I'm realizing now, that I had postpartum depression.
Fast forward to my second pregnancy. I thought that I'd given myself enough time to feel happy as a mother. I WAS happy as a mother; mostly. Then I became pregnant with Parker, and EVERYTHING came rushing back. The insecurity, the fear, the lack of knowing. Occasionally I would have dreams that I lost the pregnancy, I would wake up and think, "Hm, well that wouldn't be so bad." I was really warring with myself. Who was this person that just didn't want another baby? I asked for this, I wanted it at one point. I had been thrown into a tailspin.
And once again, it didn't go away after the birth. In fact, I think it lasted longer, significantly longer.
Now I'm pregnant again, due only a few weeks after you. And I actually feel great about it. Do I feel unprepared? Undoubtedly. Do I feel scared at times? Sure. But, I feel more comfortable with myself as a mother than I ever have before. I think a lot of that has to do with the previous six years of experience in parenting. I think some of it has to do with the fact that my doctor already has a RX written and waiting for me as soon as I deliver this babe. I also think some of it has to do with the fact that I'm nearing thirty. And I care less about feeling insecure and more about what is going on right here and right now.
This may come off as sort of a downer. But I want you to know that you are absolutely NOT ALONE. I have felt this way. Talk about your feelings with your OBGYN. It's hard to, but it's worth it. Talk with your husband. Talk with your mom and sisters. I remember just three days after I had my son I was speaking with one of my sisters and she gave me the most valuable advice. She told me to NOT think ahead. She said to stop thinking ahead. Think of now, don't think until lunch, don't think ahead 3 minutes. Just do what you need to do right this second.
You're awesome. Always have been, always will be. These feeling do not change that. And remember, go to the Lord, get a blessing (or three, like I did), go to the temple and commune with Him. And even if it doesn't take away what your going through, at least you'll know you aren't alone.
@Stacie: Thank you for the sweet call and your words of encouragement! We miss you!
@Mel: Thank you doesn't seem like a strong enough word :). I really appreciate your words and knowing that there are amazing women out there who have been where I am and have risen above. You're the best! Thank you!!!
Oh Cheri,
I have so many thoughts and I don't know if I will be able to write them down very well, but I am so glad you posted this. You are real and that is the way we should be. I will admit, I am a "looks good" poster. I post the cute pictures of the kiddos and I might post a picture of me on a day that I actually got dressed. Is that every day real?... no. I remember with Leo seeing people post all the good things and wondering if it was "that" easy for everyone else but me. The truth was, it was really hard for me to become a mom. I was a teacher and a really good one. Everyday students would come in and say "whats up Sabey" or come in a talk. The principal would come in and compliment me on my lesson. And then there was that thing called a salery. Then it was gone and there was no more worldy praise. There was this little human that woke me up every hour in the middle of the night. There was this little human that wouldn't take good naps like all the experts said he should be doing. I was insecure. No one (besides my hubby and my family) said, good job. You are doing an excellent job. The day to day moments were hard. Motherhood wasn't magical like it seemed for everybody else. But there it was... I was comparing myself... always comparing myself. I still do although I try not to. But although the day to day wasn't magical, there were the moments that are/were. When the baby smiled, giggled. Fell asleep in my arms and just looked so peaceful. When he now gives me a little hug before he plays. When he lays his head on my shoulder. Those are the things that make it better.
So should you be scared... I think if you are you are the most realistic of anyone who is excited. It is terrifying. Once that babe comes into your life everything is different and it is hard... but you will find your groove. You will find how you are as a mother. Don't change. If you like to shop... shop with your baby. If you like to craft.. don't stop. Find a way. I am a teacher... I now use those skills and work on making little preschool activities for our little Mr. You will find your groove. Don't compare. Do what is right for you! You are going to be amazing.
Parenthood still scares the crap out of me and I've been doing it for 2 years :) I won't lie, kids are hard and there are days I have to tell Adam to take over because if I don't get a break I may rip my hair out. You'll be an awesome mom. The fact that you're nervous is proof of that. I really think that the mommy/baby bond is not something that happens right away, it's something you have to build.
I do suggest that if you are going to be a stay at home mom that you get a network of other moms to do activities with so you're not stuck at home for hours on end. I really think you're awesome and your honesty is refreshing.
Post a Comment