How is this for honesty?

In 3 1/2 months from now I will be a, gasp, "stay-at-home", secondary gasp, "Mother!"  I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around it. I've awkwardly tiptoed around the thought for 26 weeks.

Each time I am with people that have children I can slowly feel my anxiety rising. Am I up to this task? Can I really do this? I'm terrified. As the youngest of 6, with 5 siblings that are each parents, 4 sisters that are stay-at-home mothers, and countless friends that raising children--I look in amazement. How after 29 years am I not more calm/prepared/excited/happy about this? After all, I am Mrs. Planning USA. I didn't flippantly decide to have a child, and yet I feel like a deer caught in headlights. I have a hard time looking at baby things. I avoid spending my free time perusing the baby ads or aisles of the department store and am dreading 'registering'. Why?! That should be the fun part shouldn't it?!

Maybe I need a therapist? Is this typical behavior of a perfectionist/kindofacontrolfreak/ihaveneverhadapetortakencareofaplant/ibabysatformoneynotparticularlyenjoyment/imnotreallyababyorkid kind of person?

I guess my question to you, all two of you who frequent my less than stellar ramblings, is how can I get over my fear and start looking at my future with excitement, and if not excitement, positive anticipation?

It's been very hard for me to vocalize my feelings. With people (mostly in-laws and Facebook friends) that recant every detail of their pregnant or child-rearing lives, I'm not sure how I fit into the conversation. I'm not excited. I'm petrified. This reaction was so unexpected, I feel really ashamed by it so I've been kind of secluding myself/staying out of the conversation.

Anyway. Wow. How's that for honesty in a public forum?

Everyone tells me it's normal to be anxious. That "everyone is scared" and "no one is ever prepared for parenthood/motherhood." I understand that, but I know what I'm feeling is not the typical baby jitters.

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On a side note, my father-in-law was sealed this past weekend in the Oquirrh Mountain Temple to his wife Ana. It was quite a sight with everyone in attendance wearing surgical masks! He has literally no white blood cells which means he has no immune system so we arranged for some of the temple attendants to stand at the entryway to the sealing room with hand sanitizer and surgical masks to give to all in attendance. It was really a nice experience. I've never been inside the Oquirrh Mountain Temple before and it is breathtakingly gorgeous and it is always a special experience to feel so close to heaven and be reminded of those amazing blessings and promises of eternal families.

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Wow. So much transparent honesty for a cold January morning. I need a Diet Coke on the rocks stat please. Oh! And maybe some chocolate.

Wheels

Two posts in one day? What is going on?

Well I'll tell you. I'm BORED. Work has been slow with a capital S-L-O-W.

I love my car :). She's a dream. Here's a picture:
















We needed to ditch the truck since Adam wasn't going to be driving it the 140 miles to and from work each day and I have NO desire to drive a single cab long bed truck on the streets of downtown Salt Lake, or anywhere for that matter.

So our first impulse was to sell the truck and get an economical car for him to drive. Smart? Yes!

Then we remembered we live in a place that snows for 4-5 months of the year and where Adam will be travelling will get much more snow than the valley...

Enter predicament.

After many days of back and forth, ups and downs, pros and cons we decided we would sacrifice amazing gas mileage for something with 4WD or AWD.

On Monday we sold the truck and purchased this lovely and large Sequoia :

Yours truly, in all my 60 inches of glory, will be driving this bebeh around! What?!!! Haha. I am a liiiitttle nervous about parking. Those that drive huge vehicles ensure me it comes with time :).

Adam will drive it on snowy days so hopefully he will make it to and fro in safety.

Is this the most boring blog post ever? Definitely.
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Also, will the three or five of you that ever frequent this blog please cross your fingers|eyes|legs|fingers|toes|heart that once Adam finishes training at his new job he will get the day shift (6 am - 6 pm). Thank you in advance!!!!!!!! Kisses.

Stay tuned for more boring posts to come.

C is for CooKie

How many cookies have you had today?

Oh you mean little ol' me? Try five and I may or may not want one, two, or three more.

Hey, it's Wednesday what more can I say?!

Change It Up

Adam got a job! Well, he has a job, but he is changing jobs and will be working full time! Woot Woot! His new job is with a company called Excel and they loved him so much they have decided to override their requirement for applicants to have a Bachelor's Degree. Adam is very excited, I have a bit of anxiety over the new schedule. It's a strange swing shift where he will work for three days then be off for three days, then he works for two days and is off for two days (repeat). He will either work 6 am - 6 pm. or 6 pm - 6 am; they have not told us his schedule yet. I am hoping for the 6 am - 6 pm option.

The other down side is that his new job is over an hour commute. He will work in Bear River/Brigham City area. Which will most likely mean that in the next year when we sell the home we are in right now, we will most likely move closer to his job. Sniffle sniffle.

This new job will also require a new car. The truck is a wildly impractical vehicle to drive such distances. We need something more efficient so we are also shopping for a car which is causing this gal much stress.

Why am I such a worrier? I blame my mother.
Why do I have such a difficult time with change? I blame my father.

Does anyone have a remedy for stress and anxiety? If so, I am all ears!

Sidelines

I avoid confrontation as if it were the plague. If I disagree with you 99.999% of the time I will hold my tongue and nod quietly as I listen as you argue your points. When I read a particularly heated discussion on Facebook or read an article online arguing for or against a candidate or issue I feel my blood pressure rise and my heart starts to race. It's comical in a way. But for this reason I loathe election years. Each day, nay each hour, there is a new indiscretion revealed, a scandal uncovered, a ridiculous quote displayed, and so forth. My head feels like it is in a spin of contradicting information. This makes it difficult when politically I'm on the fence, or maybe I'm in the middle? Each time I hear a politician speak I find things I agree and do not agree with. I have taken those online 'Who is my candidate' quizzes and EVERYTIME I am in the 50-52% range which means I only agree with 1/2 of what each opponent says. So how do I choose which half? It baffles my mind how people can be so certain that one candidate is the one for them. Each time I think I have decided something else surfaces that makes me question if the person is right for the magnanimous job of leading our nation. Can I say neither? Neither Romney nor Obama? If I only agree with 1/2 of what either of them stand for?!!! Le sigh.

Quali-T!

Quality matters folks and aparently many of the things I care about start with the letter T. Who knew?!
Towels in general. You use them on your whole body daily... isn't that worth a splurge?
Toilet paper. No explaination needed. Am I right ;)?
Tide. Nothing has come close to replacing my Tide laundry detergent.
Triamine complex (aka. the lucious blend of ingredients in my Joico shampoo & conditioner).

What are your pricey/splurgy must haves?